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My first Camellia chart (I am not counting DWS remixd). This is my favorite song by Camellia, so I thought I should do it for my 5 year charter anniversary. Below is a reflection I wrote about my recent feelings as a charter, plus my observation of why I felt the way I did last year.

The TLDR of that is that I've come around to a much more positive outlook on the way I chart, and feel possibly the closest to 100% with my feelings of charting since maybe summer 2023.

I hope you enjoy the chart, and thanks to Ricki for playtesting.

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April 3rd again, that marks another year of charting. 5 years... went by in the blink of an eye. I've gone through a *lot* of changes, some good, some bad, but the one constant is this silly editor for a rhythm game hardly anyone knows about. I wanted to reflect a bit on myself, at least myself as a charter. I'm kinda typing this as my thoughts come out, so this'll be very unorganized, sorry.

Since this time last year, the closest I think I've gotten to fully quit charting, there's been this thought that has been bothering me over and over. "Why do I chart the way that I chart?" When this thought first came to me, I tried to explain it out loud to myself while working on a chart. What came after was something that I've been struggling with for a little over a year now being the only thing I think about. I didn't know how to explain it, and I really wanted to. There had to be a reason why I chose to make a slider a certain way, place spins a certain way, place matches in a certain way, etc. I couldn't find one. And when I first realized I couldn't find one, many, many negative feelings flooded in. Impostor syndrome was at an all-time high, feelings of time being wasted started to grow, and I had considered to stop altogether. I also grew incredibly envious of other charters who could do it. The way they would explain to me why they placed notes the way they did, with such incredible detail, or at least what felt like incredible detail, made me feel as if I really shouldn't be able to chart. It felt like explaining why I chart the way I do should be second nature to me, like how I imagined it was for others. It wasn't, and if I were to be asked why I made a pattern a certain way, 99.99% of the time my answer would be "I don't know, just felt right to me". There would *never* be anything more than that. It frustrated me more and more that I couldn't explain it. The impostor syndrome followed, and then I made Chasing, with feelings of quitting altogether. But instead I took a break, tried it again weeks later, then kept taking a break as I still could not explain my decisions. Eventually I slowly got back into it, with solo charts, collabs, y'know the usual stuff. The same thoughts lingered, but I continued anyway. It would still frustrate me, but I kept going. Up until like early February, the thought still lingered, but with some help, I started to shift my perspective.

To me, it did not matter. Me saying "I don't know, it's just what felt right" is an acceptable answer. Not being able to explain why I placed notes the way I did is perfectly okay. I still placed them, they make sense, and it's *fun*. Who cares if I can't explain it? I am capable of charting, and that's all that matters. Sure, I won't be able to help new charters, it's a real struggle to do that if I can't explain the choices I make, I just have to accept that. So I did accept it, and with that came charts like Replay, Judgement, all the Rift charts, and to some extent the Shirobon Data Mind charts. The Shirobon charts specifically were at a time where I started to ever so slightly shift my perspective. I wasn't 100%, but progress was being made.

All of this to say that I made a shift in my perspective of how I view my charts. They're made with very little to no second thought. My charts do not know what a rough draft is. The moment I place the last note, it is ready for upload. That's probably why I have some egregious difficulty ratings, but hey I guess that's part of the charm for those charts haha. I can't explain my charting decisions, and that's okay. The charts I make are mine, and only I know how to make them.


If you read all this, thank you. Some of these thoughts are a bit personal, but I felt like being a little vulnerable and sharing some of the things that troubled me for the past year. Here's to however many more years I've got in me.


Much love <3

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